Always you and me // Part 3

Now.

No time for later.

He's on his knees, hugging me around my waist. He's murmuring things against my stomach.

I don't know what.

He might be begging but he's too good for that, right?

He might be pleading but he's too good for that, right?

It's cold.

Autumn's chill is finally beginning to set in. There's still a strong breeze, and the leaves scatter about us, but they are no longer the gold and red I love so much. In the moonlight, they have no color. Nothing does. Just a whitewashed glow.

It suits him well enough, though. He's glowing silver and somehow it makes him seem untouchable. Somehow it makes him pure. But that's not true.

I'm touching him and he's far from pure.

I came back a few hours later and he was leaning against the tree. I was relieved to see him there.

Still.

We couldn't keep coming back to it. Winter was coming. It would get colder. The tree would die.

And so would we.

We both knew. We both ignored it. But today the realization hit me hard and I knew if it didn't end now then things would start getting...

Complicated. How else can I put it?

So I told him.

I guess that's what got us in this position. It was supposed to be different. He was supposed to nod his head and agree. We were supposed to part ways under the dying tree.

Simple, right?

He lets go of me suddenly and stands. He's looking at me and I can't read his expression.

"Josh?" I say tentatively.

"No."

I frown. "What?"

"This isn't over," He says and what unnerves me is that there is nothing in his voice. No anger. No annoyance. No conviction. No affection. Nothing.

Nothing about life has ever been simple. What was I thinking?

"It has to be," I say.

"You're being stupid." Same monotone voice.

I stare at him incredulously. Who was this boy standing in front of me?

"Stupid? Stupid is us continuing this relationship! And you know it! I know you do. We risk everything with this."

"Why is it all so easy for you?" And then finally there's emotion. Resent. Anger.

"Easy?"

"It was easy for you to start. Easy for you to go on with it. And now it's easy for you to end it. Why?"

"None of this has been easy, Josh! Not one moment we've spent together has been easy! There's too much in the way, too much at stake, too much to hide. It's not worth it!" I practically yell and as soon as the words are out of my mouth, I regret them.

He flinches and his eyes grow wide, and I know that I've hurt him. I know that I've done something no one has been able to do. I go to apologize...

But suddenly I'm being grabbed and shoved against the tree.

I gasp and now I'm only seeing his eyes. The moonlight has made them look unnaturally bright and metallic.

Cold.

"Not worth it?" He hisses through clenched teeth. He kisses me then. His kiss is brutal and possessive. Something I couldn't possibly deny. Then it's over and he's looking at me again, his lips curled into a snarl.

"Say it again, Michaels. Look me in the eye and tell me it's not worth it and I'll let you go," He says icily.

And I'm about to say it again. I'm ready to say it. I need to say it because if I don't we'll both only suffer greatly in the long run. I don't want to, though. I don't. I want him to kiss me again. I want to stay here, with him, forever.

The wind blows and in that moment it is colder than it's ever been. More leaves fall from the tree. They're beautiful, but they're dying. They're perfect, but they're dying.

I know what I have to do.

Say it, Amie. Say it.

I open my mouth. Try to form the words.

Say it!

"It's…"

SAY IT!

"It's not worth it."


Before.

You're saying you hate me.

I'm saying it back.

It's the way it's supposed to be. It feels that way, too. And for a moment, we're back where we started, and we both love it.

It doesn't last because now we're both falling into each other again. We can't seem to keep things the way they're meant to be.

We've been given a choice and we can't make up our minds.

You like to say it's my fault because I wouldn't leave you alone. I like to say it's your fault because you kissed me first.

"But does it matter?"

No.


Now.

So let go.

Black and white.

Simple.

Some people say that something went on between Amie Michaels and Josh Fenessy. Something passionate and amazing.

But that can't be true; they hate each other.

Look at them, they're arguing about something right now. He just called her "such an aggravating know-it-all". She just called him a bastard.

When she screams in frustration it's only a trick of the light that makes his eyes appear to soften with something not quite hate.

When he sneers arrogantly, her own smile is meant to mock him. It's not an affectionate, loving smile.

Some people swoon over the possibility that it's a "hate-love" relationship. But that's just crazy.

It has to be one or the other.

Right?

Right.

[END]